Lack of focus.

I've been noticing that lately i havn't been writing like i'd like to. Maybe cause i'm so focused on getting a job right now. I'm waiting to hear back from an HR guy about whether or not i got the job. I hope i did, i really do. but i cant know. not yet, apparently.

im getting so anxious. Ive been feeling the suspense for days now. Its driving me mad... Arrggghh.

Meanwhile ive been having these crazy star trek fantasies. Not like Kirk era, but Picard era. i want to explore the heavens. But alas, we have to figure out shit out down here before we can tangle with the infinite black.

Im trying to get myself and my friend to collaborate on a screenplay. but hes so busy that i cant really see him, let alone talk to him. whatever. his loss, i guess.

This apprehension is just... killing me. That guy needs to call and just let me know, yes or no. This waiting... Unbearable.
I want my job search to be over. so badly.

iLibrary

This could be the loudest library I've ever been in.. But maybe its just the other parts, the part I'm in is actually pretty quiet, minus the tapping at keyboards and the occasional flip of a page.

I've been here, what, since 1PM? Its getting on towards five now, then I meet up with Osiris. Which I'm really excited for, I haven't seen him since the new years party we helped throw. When I say we, I mean I only helped... By handing out fliers. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Haha. But really, I felt pretty good about it. I got a few friends to help and MM let us in for free. Free parties? Can't complain.

Osiris and I really didn't get much of a chance to just, hang out, you know? He was busy, I was...

And so we didn't see much of each other. But thats okay, I guess. So yeah, today we're hanging out. He's hosting a talk on the Kaballah at his house. A teacher is going to be leading it, his house is just the venue.

I have no idea what the fuck the Kaballah is, but I'm interested to find out. The Mystery School that he's been a part of for ages is going to be there. And I'm just curious about it because, well, it IS a mystery. From how I understand it, they teach and learn about Hermetic philosophies, and metaphysics, and things like that.

I think.

Remember, it IS a mystery school, after all.

Oh man. So I went in for an interview yesterday, lasted around an hour and a half, and now the guy is calling past employers. That wouldn't matter so much if my last official job wasn't a traumatic experience, or if the other person I listed on my resume wasn't my grandfather. I guess the HR guy for the job called Grandpa, so... I guess he wants to talk about that.

I don't know what there is to say, you know? I assume it went well. I TOLD the HR guy that CFJ is my grandpa's studio... For some reason I feel that a world of shit is about to fall on me.

Thirty minutes. I want to pack up, and let the next part of my day begin, but I know that if I get up, that if I go and call grandpa, the conversation will be over in like, five minutes. Then I'll have about 20 minutes to wait and loiter in from of the SPL. I don't want to tempt fate in the big city... Not today.

Whole Foods Market in Seattle is sooo legit. They make the BEST sandwiches. After the interview today at GCS, (which I HOPE went well), I wandered down to Westlake & Denny and had lunch at the Whole Foods there. I had a sandwich: multi-grain bread, peppered turkey, mayo, avocado, and pepper jack cheese. Toasted. Delicious.

I also started making a D&B song, at 190BPM. Its interesting. Huge influence from B-Complex's 'Beautiful Lies'... I'll link it when I post this, which will probably be tomorrow, Thursday, July 14^th. But it'll actually be Monday, July 18^th.

So yeah. Maybe I should just stop, and listen to This American Life episode 218. my favorite episode. Listen to it. Hell, I'll link that one too. :P why the fuck not?

Peace, all.

Moving Forward

I've spent pretty much all day looking at colleges. Evergreen looks pretty rad, I hear good things about it, and the way they do their majors is totally unique and I like it a lot. I'm still debating with myself whether or not its a good idea to invest in an education in sound engineering... Mainly because from what I hear, its nigh on impossible to make a living with your own studio. Especially in today's economy. Which is really too bad, because i have a passion and skill in that field. But... Do i do what makes me happy, or do i do what makes me money? That's the question I've been grappling with for awhile now. I think I'm starting to realize that I'm really not going to do something if i don't think it'll make me happy. Now, i don't mean that in a selfish way at all. I just mean in terms of money and careers. And if i have a talent and passion for music production, then why in hell shouldn't i go for it? Its not like there aren't jobs out there, in fields that I'd be interested in working in. I mean hell, to name a few big mediums for this trade: film, video games, music, marketing... Sound production and engineering is something that all multimedia productions require, and with the stricter copyright laws, engineers have to work harder (or smarter) to create ORIGINAL content for each and every new game, film, and commercial, in lieu of paying for media rights. So with that in mind, i really see no reason to not hop in feet first all the way, cept, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that once i finish with school, I'll have mounds of debt AND no job prospects.... I guess i could always work at Guitar Center. haha.

And that's not a bad thing, in my mind. I'd love to work there. Really, I just want a job related to music... It says so on my plan.

Oh, yeah. I wrote up a 5 year plan for myself. Its pretty modest. it says "GET FAMOUS"

i kid, but only halfway, as it does say that in bold letters. :P
In five years, i want to be finished with school, have a full-time music related job, i want to live in Seattle independently, and have an active music group. Its all doable, but not from where I'm sitting right now. I need to get the fuck up and get started. and so that's why I've been looking at schools again. This is probably the fourth time I've started applying to Evergreen. But i hope i follow through with it this time. Cause whats going on right now is NOT working out...

At weeks end...

Psytrance (or progressive trance, i guess... nitpick) (this mix)... Oh man. Almost makes me fall asleep. Which prolly isn't a good thing, cause I am really tired... Woke up at 5 to head into the city to go see a live taping of this radio show I listen to. It's like, Seattle's news, and makes me feel connected, even though I live pretty far from it. It's like the one thing that makes me constantly remember that in the next year, I'm going to be living there, if shit starts working out.

So I'm on the ferry right now, typing this all out on my iPod. Later, when I get home, I'll email this to myself and upload it..

Mm, Costco muffins. Picked one up a the local coffee shop, Angel has the best stuff. I mean, yeah, it's Costco, but right next to it she has cookies and granola bars from the bakery down by the docks, and I gotta give her credit for that. I wish I went there more often than I do now. Like I used to. When I had a job and could afford it.

Yoshi is still there every time I go. It's hard to talk to him now that I've worked for him (albeit the short, two day stint). He never called me back, and being the kind of person I am, took it to mean that I wasn't good enough or something. And to he fair, he's right: landscaping isn't my thing.. Never was, never will be. I'm okay with mowing lawns, but weeding is a war I can never win... Every time you pull them the keep coming back: the perfect enemy. Knowing them, I've come to love them. Their persistence, their constant struggle to survive. So close to Raman, so close to Varelse. So I just don't want to do it anymore. Not because I'll never win, no, but because the struggle itself is pointless. Nature should take its own course. I wish plant-life had the chance to run free.

I was listening to NPR this morning. They were talking about this festival in New Hampshire called porcupine festival or something. Sort of an anarchist/libertarian burning man. Sounds really cool, they've basically created a community for one week a year, with it's own currency and what not, as free from the government as possible. I made a deal with myself that along with burning man, someday I'll go to the porcupine festival.

--

So Weekday was really good. Got a free copy of Visqueem's album (they were the music act), got to speak with Sherman Alexie (for those of you who don't know him, he's the guy who wrote The Absolutely True Diaries of a Part-Time Indian) and I shook his hand. God I hate being the starstruck type, but I can't lie, it was pretty awesome.

Some ska band was playing at the steps, while we had lunch. Goddamn, food does not sound good right now anymore.

There is such a large amount of just absolutely stunning girls in Seattle. It's driving me mad, being totally separate from that life. Not just hit girls, but I mean the whole city-life thing. It's a bit of an enigma for me, cause I've lived in small towns all my life, and I'm sure that the second I spend my first night in m own place in Seattle, the novelty will wear off, and I'll miss the quiet monotony of the country. But KTown is hardly country, where I am. It's just heavily wooded, ghetto almost suburbs. God, I so want to leave. But I need a job first. Or some other form of income. Maybe I should blow the last 20$ in my checking account on lotto tickets. That might be more fruitful than a job search in Seattle, while I live so far away.

So that's what's up, I guess. I plan on putting more effort into this, because why the fuck not? Anyway... Yeah. 

Post fathers day business.

Sorry I haven't been on in while. Its been a pretty crazy week, to be honest. I spent a lot of Monday writing and stuff, then went over to K's house and played the new system of HoE with him and J. Got a lot done, did some absolutely crazy shit that we didn't really see coming. We stayed there all night, and just stayed up playing Settlers of Catan with K, J, T, and W. It was ridiculous.

And that night really defined my week. I was pretty god damned tired for the rest of it... Found out about a job opportunity. Kind of a school/work hybrid at the shipyard. I didn't realize how fucking huge that place is till Saturday. Like I didn't realize that the whole county I live it is/was based around that place. Learn somethin' new, right?

Anyway, it seems like a really good program. Four years of school and work, for an associates degree and a journeyman grade in whatever trade I choose. I'll prolly choose electrical engineering or something to that regard, mainly cause I know I have interest in that. Its exciting. As soon as my fucking internet works I'll apply.

So back to writing. I am going to take a bit of a rest on HoE stuff for a bit, half because I am still trying to explain away some game mechanics that don't lend well to a narrative, and half because I don't really know if its okay to do. So instead I've been brainstorming and playing around with a sci-fi setting, near future kind of thing. I have a setting worked out, and the rest I'm just making up as I go along.

Fathers day... God. Its ironic how busy it was for me, especially seeing as I don't even KNOW my father. But I still had a good time with my grandparents and uncle... We sat around and smoked some meats and cheeses for three hours and talked about random crap. It was nice. Didn't end up eating any of it though... I think it's funny that we spent three or more hours trying to figure this fucking smoke-box out, and got some really rad smelling food out of it, and then we went to a Mexican restaurant in downtown. My hands still smell like fucking burning alder. Worth it.

The day before my other grandparents and I went to B-town, down by the waterfront. A new place opened up, this bar & grill type place. It wasn't bad, I heard, but my meal was... Not the best thing ever. I don't know about you guys but I LOVE eggs benedict. Hands down my favorite breakfast. And this place had, like, three kinds. There was traditional, like... some mushroom one, and a salmon one. And I sat there like, 'God, when am I EVER going to be able to try salmon eggs benedict again?' so I ordered it. It... It would have been better smoked. Like, it was good salmon, good everything, but the salmon's flavor didn't add to or contrast the rest of the dish. It was just another texture. And I hate 'just another texture'. So it had very little flavor... Which is too bad, but at least I can say I had it.

Heavy Rain: I picked that shit up on Friday, beat the hell out of it by like 11pm Saturday night. I got a good 9 or 10 hours out of it, and believe you me this: it was totally amazing. I was freaking out. The fight scenes just drove me to the edge of my seat, I was constantly afraid I was gonna miss the next button press and my dude was gonna die. And the voice acting and character animations were top notch, which is good, because the game depends on good storytelling and good, believable characters to get its point across, which it did well. I don't cry much, but this game almost made me at a few points. Maybe cause I'm more sensitive to the whole 'father son relationship' cause I never had one, but still. It's moving. If you have a PS3 and like $30 (thats about how much it is at GameStop right now, new), I highly suggest getting it.

713 words. I'll make a poem to finish this off using three lines, 7 syllables, 1 syllable, 3 syllables.

Fizzing Diet Pepsi is

A

Noise.

A lil bit overboard

All this fucking noise. All of it. Its pointless. I mean, here we are in this life, this time. Its all we have. In God's eyes its a blink. So I wonder all the time, what can he do in a blink? If our lives are a blink, thats tens of thousands of days. He created the world in 7 days, 7 of our days.

So much doesn't add up, and so I begin to wonder: is he real and humans are just full of shit, or is he not real, and humans are still full of shit? Either way you've got a race dominant of the food chain, ruling the earth, and they can't even be honest to themselves. So how can we trust anyone? I can't even trust myself and yet others trust me. Does this make sense? No. Not in the slightest.

Trust. Its a strong word, with an even more powerful meaning. Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something. How do we come to this? How can we feel this with a human being? We let our guard down and lie to ourselves, thats how. Trust is often broken. It is a common theme in movies and books. A trust is broken, a bond is tested. These are things we soak up like sponges, revel in, and relate to, because these are things that happen in our daily lives. We are not creatures of honesty, yet we are creatures of society. This is fact. We are not meant to be alone, and yet we are destined to loneliness if we struggle with being honest, especially to ourselves.

We all lie to ourselves. Anyone who claims they don't are full of shit. I lie to myself all the time, it keeps the smile on my face, however some days it does not work. The point is, however, that nobody is fully true to themselves and nobody really knows who they are on the inside. The outside doesn't even matter, its a shell, a casing. What matters is in our heads, in our brain, and in our heart and soul.

I lie to myself all the time. I like to believe I'm open-minded and a good person. I am neither of these things. I lie to people. A lot. To people who mean a lot to me, such as my mother. Its become such a common occurrence in my life that its become somewhat normal. I hate admitting it. She deserves a better son. I'm not open-minded. Not like I preach, anyway. I am a racist. Through thought and self reflection, I have accepted this and I really do think that everyone is a racist. Not from choice, but it is a survival instinct. It is, think about it: we see on the news black people shooting each-other, Asians building the coolest robots and shit, Europeans being snotty faggots. Russians being hackers and communists. We are bred to be scared and from this fear comes out racism.

When I say racism, I merely mean it as another form of stereotype. Its quite simply our brains categorizing people, places, things and colors into groups so they can be quickly identifiable. Its a survival technique and one of the most important, and it is a testament to our remarkable will to adapt and evolve. Yes, evolve. Chill the fuck out. Its real, it happens. Thats another topic though. We see these things and they trigger our brain to associate people and ethnic groups to things like violence or smarts. So when a small white woman walks down a dark street and two black men are walking by, her fear stems from the gang-bangers she saw on TV, who bear the same skin color as said gang-bangers. Its natural, we shouldn't look down on her for being scared. It's not her fault, it's a survival instinct, like our instinct to fuck. So really, the only people we have to blame are ourselves. It's true. If, as a people, we grow to be better, safer, and moral, we can avoid this kind of thing. If black people were less widely shown to be bad people, we wouldn't have these kinds of situations.

Open-mindedness is a constant battle we have within our minds. And its a losing battle as we grow older. I know this, I am losing myself while gaining more individuality. That may sound like an oxymoron, and it is. But I am an oxymoron. I am a good person and a racist. I am a good person, in my own right. I try my best, and thats all humanity can do.

So God can fuck himself with all this talk of being perfect, of being free from sin. It's impossible. But like the 12 Steps say, admitting you have a problem is the first step to overcoming it.